The ReNERDsance

This game has single-handedly redefined the word “pantshitting” for me. The entire duration of the game had me in imminent danger of ruining not just the pair of pants I was wearing, but every pair that I should ever don again and past pairs donned. Also my couch. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am an avid fan of the franchise, so this was one of the occasions I allowed myself to pay full retail and give up a decent night’s sleep (relative, I assure you) to go to the midnight release and sprint the two blocks back to my apartment to immediately begin playing it. Had I children, I would love them like this game.

What’s Bright? Everything imaginative, enthralling, and innovative about the first three games in story, execution, and design is thoroughly represented and improved upon. It is as much satisfying fan service to its former incarnations as it is an exciting and glorious prospect for the future of the franchise while bringing a satisfying, albeit slightly melancholy, ending to the story of Ezio.

What’s Tight? Constantinople is stunning in design, a blast to navigate, and as culturally diverse in appearance as it is in gameplay. The crossroads of the world holds its title with the wide array of weapons from every corner of the known world, unique technologies like the hookblade, bombs of every variety, and new badass armor. The multiplayer aspect of the game has also been vastly improved upon, taking a few pages from Call of Duty’s book with a wider array of perks and powers, character customization, and the load times for matches don’t drag like freshly cracked beer cans behind newlyweds tearing out of Vegas. 

What Bites? In one word: brevity. In comparison to the previous games, Revelations felt short. So my biggest problem with the game is that I want more of it. Their PR department must be crushed.

Final Decision: 5/5 No secret that I might be a bit biased, being all but in love with the series…OK, maybe a little in love, but this is a must-play for anyone who loves the Assassin’s Creed game, platform gaming, or has any remnants of a soul. When I heard that this was the conclusive entry, I began planning my own little assassin’s game with the board at Ubisoft. Thankfully it only referred to Ezio, so their lives and those of their loved ones will be spared, for now. But now I cannot wait for the next, likely Desmond-based, sequel. The term “pantshitting” is simple in its nature, ever-evolving, oddly beautiful. Merriam-Webster better be ready for the next hit because I see Ubisoft aiming low on the next one. 

I fully intended to write a PAX aftermath, but’s it’s almost freaking Halloween. Clearly, I got sidetracked. It was tough going though the untimely death of one of my closest friends, life companions, and sources of inspiration; my Xbox 360. The old girl finally bit the big one with her second ring of death and the procedure to get her back to her old self was not fiscally feasible. Thankfully, as of 2 days ago, her brain was successfully transplanted to a sleeker, sexier frame, that makes far more pleasant noises when I touch it, and far less noise in general besides. Her spirit will live on in this clearly superior housing and will again serve as my number one through the coming weeks as I take on the onslaught of exquisite games that are bound to come my way, so keep an eye out for review of Gears of War 3, Batman: Arkham City, Modern Warfare 3, Assassin’s Creed: Revelations, and Elder Scrolls IV: Skyrim.

Other mitigating factors with regards to my absence included, but were not limited to, a sudden lapse in funding for, well my life, a near death experience with my computer, who is now peacefully back to work with only limited hardware changes, and the epic failing of my brain to simultaneously render myself overly enthusiastic over meager social revelations, drastically stupider than one can be whilst still properly processing oxygen, and depravingly uninspired. Those days came to a stark and sudden end about a week ago, and hopefully won’t revert for the foreseeable future. Anyone still reading, or perhaps reading for the first time, has my sincerest apologies and earnest thanks for…whatever the hell it is you people do for me. It’s definitely something though, so yeah. Pat the hell out of your own backs.

PAX 2011:

Long story very very short: awesome. I will do my best not to go into ranting detail. I make it a habit not to demo games that I am positive I will enjoy I.E. your Assassin’s Creed games, your Batman anythings, Bioshock Infinite (which I was happy to find only had an albeit impressive looking stand with no gameplay demonstration, as I don’t think I could have resisted). I did want to see what new game mechanics would be a part of Mass Effect 3, given their penchant for massive design overhauls. I must say that  was pleased with the direction; an even more simplified and interactive weapon equip and customize screen, greater emphasis on close combat, without losing any of the charm of the game we have come to love and frustrate ourselves over.

What really drew my focus, was the board and card game demos, of which I am a fan. Understatements like that are why my oncology practice never took off. I was adrool for hours over the creative machinations of indie-gamers like a frequenter of my own little stomping ground, Gamma Ray Games, Mr. David Fooden, co-founder of Seattle’s own Game Company no. 3. He put together a delight full romp subtly named “Oh My God! There’s an Axe in my Head: the Game of International Diplomacy”. Worth every minute of the some 40 I invested in playing it. Flying Frog also continued to impress me with “Fortune and Glory”, an epic game demoed by the President and Lead designer himself, Jason C. Hill. I can’t remember having so much fun with a game. Munchkin Zomies, which I was again lucky enough to discuss with the founder himself Steve Jackson, was as much fun as Munchkin has always been… PLUS ZOMBIES! Sadly, the games that Penny arcade put out, and even went so far as to plaster on the cover of the convention guide, failed to impress me. I demoed their deckbuilding game, and their food fight game, but found them hollow ripoffs of Dominion and some game I’d like to never play or be near again respectively.

My favorite booth at the convention though? Hands down, Citizen Skywatch. If you did not get the chance to visit, I feel a pity for you that transcends Sarah McLachlan’s response to animal cruelty. It was an experience all it’s own, that I can only describe as being sucked into a world where you are being asked to fight communist storm clouds that shoot solid crystal lightning bolts and may be psychic on top of that. The experience then transcended the game when I registered as a citizen on their website and began receiving bits of intel regarding leaks in the Skywatch network, cryptic phone messages, and I heard about the event in San Francisco and it sounded incredible. This franchise is taking on a culture all it’s own, and I don’t even know what kind of game it is! I know next to nothing about it, and yet still I find myself compelled to be a part of it. It has been fun going thus far, and i can’t wait to see what they’re going to do with it next.

Best of all though, I costumed! I put together the best getup I could but her is me and my lovely compatriot as Zee Captain and Zee Sniper of Romantically Apocalyptic!

I hope that some of you saw us there, and if so give a shout out, or what ever it is people do now indicating their pleasure at after-the-fact social interactions. It was a lot of fun, even if we were both roasting in their like luau pigs, but well worth the appreciation of the other con-goers. The first day, it was just myself dressed as Zee Captain, so I made my way through the still unairconditioned halls with the best airs or godlihood that I could muster, but received the warmest welcome that I ever have from a group. Even waiting in line was a semi-royal affair. It was great experience and I want to thank everyone I met for making it a positive first PAX experience for me. I’m already salivating over the prospect of next year’s. I need to get my damn shirts scotch-guarded.

Needless to say that mere moments into this film’s preview, my best friend and I made solemn vows with near Jehovial enthusiasm to view it in it’s eventual entirety. I’ve been a big fan of the original quintilogy since a disturbingly early age, having accepted a deep fascination with simians and they inevitable rise to aparthidic dominance over our meek, virtually hairless, race.

What’s Bright? The expertly crafted mannerisms and overall commitment to ape-like motion of Mr. Andy Serkis as Caesar the chimp absolutely made the movie for me. It’s not like the man hasn’t had practice having already done motion capture for the Peter Jack revamp of King Kong as the title character and the lovable pair of Smeagol and Gollum in the last two Lord of the Rings films. It takes something special to make people feel sympathy for a character rendered over a human form, and he has made an art of it. The writing team also did a more than sufficient job of facilitating this movie into the timeline of the originals and secured its position as an honest prequel. 

What’s Tight? Well Draco Malfoy gets killed with a cattle prod-firehose combination. Which he frankly deserved for butchering what was really the only bit of fanservice to Charleton Heston in the whole movie. Besides that there was only the gripping escape scenes, simultaneously horrifying and delightful instances of ape-on-man violence, and the bridge scene which I maintain is the best scene of the summer thus far.

What Bites? There are several scenes of time passage, obviously to pull together the stories of Caesar’s origins and his maturation, but the evidence is apparent everywhere except on the non-ape character’s. Eight years is long enough for a body to cycle all of it’s cells, but apparently not enough to give Jame’s Franco a grey hair or wrinkle. 

Final Decision: 5/5 I had initially planned on seeing this movie for novelty value to see super-smart animals get some laugh-worthy kills on their unsuspecting handlers to eventually earn their freedom, so you can imagine my surprise when it turned out to actually be good, better than good. While impractical and slightly inaccurate in places, it’s freaking science fiction and was made all the more enjoyable for these traits. Regardless, I’m going to continue on pretending that that 2001 miscarriage never happened, despite it always having been a dream of mine to see Paul Giamatti as an orangutan, as I would recommend you.

Going to open with somewhat of a rant based on a big issue I had with the casting for this movie. Christopher Evans is playing Captain America, a good fit, no problem right? Wrong, I seem to recall Mr. Evans also portraying another Marvel superhero by the name of one Johnny Storm, The Human Torch of The Fantastic Four. My key problem with this is that these two characters have met, hell, fought one another. Yes other actors have portrayed multiple superheroes/comic book characters; Ryan Reynolds as The Green Lantern and Deadpool, Halle Berry as Catwoman and Storm, but know the key difference? Marvel and D.C. are two different universes! Their characters don’t ever meet! Alright, nerd rage over, moving on:

What’s Bright? Obviously set during America’s entrance into World War II, the movie does a fantastic job of capturing American culture in light of pro-war propaganda. This is one of my favorite Marvel comics, and one of the few the Stan Lee didn’t have a direct hand in it’s creation, so I was ecstatic to see so much effort put into it’s sincere revitalization, especially since Steve Roger’s untimely death back in ‘08. And the body effects used to put Evan’s face on Roger’s pre-transformation body are amazing.

What’s Tight? It’s all the fun of Nazi Killing, plus lasers! Castle Wolfenstein with super powers (well more super powers anyway)! You have to be pretty badass to pull off a action montage, but they actually pull it off pretty nicely. And, even though he’s hard to believe as a German, Hugo Weaving is still one of the best bad guys in the business. Howard Stark has also quickly become one of my favorite characters. There’s even a music number! …Seriously.

What Bites? Aside from the Chris Evans issue? Not a great deal. A somewhat abrupt ending is perhaps the only weakpoint in the film and even that is pretty well compensated for.

Final Decision: 5/5 Try as I might with my misgivings for Mr. Evans, I could find little to no fault with this film. I avidly enjoyed the whole movie, mostly because of the well balanced elements. A lot of other comic book films have been held back by being overly dramatic or not focusing enough on the human aspect of the hero. This one had lots of action, just enough romance to humanize Rogers, and enough back story deserving of any Marvel hero. Oh, and stay through the credits. Marvel makes you work for it, but it’s always worth it…

Yes, yes it came out last year, I know I’m a terrible gamer. I took my time to play through multiple times as that’s kind of the point of Fable. 

What’s Bright? Some new game mechanics such as the Road to Rule upgrade system, evolving weapons, new map system, and an overall grander scale to the game were welcome additions to the series. The new Heroes Sanctuary serves to replace old menus and inventory screens, giving a simpler and far more tangible quality to choosing weapons, spells, outfits, appearance, and managing wealth. This quality is apparent across almost all aspects of the game and makes it feel less like a RPG and more like an immersive adventure title.

What’s Tight? The game has proven very rewarding to players of previous titles, references and long term fruition of many loose ends. The new close combat kill animations prove both vicious and hilarious. Spell weaving gives the ability to combine classic spells and experiment with their effects. The game does not lose it’s sense of humor and in many situations has improved on the dark comedic tone and balances it well with personal drama. The gnomes are also the funniest game addition since Grunt Birthday Party in Halo 3.

What Bites? The simplification of combat and menus is a strength as much as a weakness. Fighting can feel unresponsive at times due to the small number of buttons, all of which double or even triple for another action(s). And while the menu systems make healing and using special abilities easy and fast, it also drastically limits the options available. Moral choices also feel somewhat cheapened by the good typecast of the character. While there is certainly room for some lateral movement, I never really lost the feeling that evil actions were out of character for the protagonist.

Final Decision: 4/5 The Fable series has always felt one game behind what Lionhead has promised, but they never fail to put out a game that, even at its worse, can be called nothing less than entertaining. With rumors and leaks about Fable 4 already circulating, I certainly can’t wait to see what Lionhead will do with a game that has certainly forged it’s own genre and space in gaming history. If Black and White was any indication, you’ll be fighting to be a god. Best of luck mortals.